I've been bloggy quiet recently. Because of all the drama happening recently, I was taken back to Boogie Land. Old memories which I tried to forget over the past few years were brought back again. And for a while, I actually dared to hope again, only for the hope to be crushed the following week.
Anyway, I'm back from the Boogie Land. One should only remain boogified for a certain amount time, else somebody please sound the alarm and shake me hard to bring me back to planet Earth. Also, I've taken up a new role at work making me so busy that I don't even have to time run to the toilet to make a dump in the morning. I welcomed the chaos at work because it kept the mind too busy to even think about boogie and by the time I go home I'm too mentally tired to get boogified. Thus, the bloggy has been neglected lately.
When I'm in Boogie Land, I try avoid my blog because I tend to write what's in my mind and being boogified would mean I end up writing about all the boogie which to other happy "normal" people, would seem like a post with a title of "Self-Pity".
If you are one of those normal people, then I suggest you stop reading here. Else, if you are as damaged as I am, read on and we can share stories of how screwed up we are. :)
For the past few weeks, the hubby received the privilege of the front row seat to watch all my real-life TVB drama, so much that it made him so grateful that his parents are such wonderful normal people and he made it a point to take his parents out to an expensive seafood restaurant for no occasion at all. Because if you have wonderful parents, why do you need to wait for an occasion to bring them out for a treat?
When the hubby manages to make my grandma laugh, the smile on her face can brighten the whole room. But when my grandma cries while telling family drama stories to the hubby, I carry the guilt of what the parents did. The guilt which gets heavier and heavier. And I suspect that my hubby feels the same way which is why he makes such an effort to treat my grandma well to replace what my parents failed to do.
The sister and I came up with the word Boogie. It's our code name to describe our family drama. And we came out with a lot of other comical names to describe the misery we were facing at home. The sister and I used to make jokes about the situation to give it a comical side. Because it was all we could do to survive a tough situation at home. If we could laugh about it, then maybe it's not as bad as it seems. We never cried in front of each other because we wanted to convince each other that we were tough enough to handle the situation. Because if one of us does cry in front of the other, the comical illusion and the tough act we try to create will give way to the horrible reality we were facing.
The thing I find most difficult about my situation is the inability to tell others or make others understand. When things like this happen, the daughter is usually blamed for not being good to the parents. Because the assumption is that the parents will always do the best for their children so how can parents ever be wrong? I'm especially tired when my father-in-law who tries to convince me now and then that I should treat my parents better. He doesn't understand the situation. Nobody does. Unless of course you get the front row seats to watch all the drama live which currently is only reserved for the hubby. :)
It's not like I haven't tried to tell people about what's going on. To some people, I did share with them the tip of the surface. The reaction I get is either a look of horror or the person reacts in a way as if s(he) didn't hear what I just said. It's just something that people here have never heard about and is not commonly accepted locally. I've only shared the full uncensored story to one close friend and for that, I thank you for your listening ear.
Everybody faces something difficult in life. Some people deal with more crap than others but the fact is we all at one point during life will find ourselves in the lowest point ever. And when we are in that low point, we feel alone and we feel that nobody else will ever understand. And we don't tell others because we are worried to be seen as being weak or we don't want to trouble others with all our sorrows.
But sometimes all it take is for somebody to drop a note and say, "Hey, how are you doing?" And sometimes it helps even further to know that a lot of people have been through a stretch of depression before. I've got really close friends and I never would have guessed they once were going through a bad patch. How could they when they always appear to be happy and bubbly on the surface? But the fact is they have, we all have, and knowing that other people face shit makes me feel that "Hey, I'm not alone".
Why do I blog about such personal stuff for the whole world to read? Well, first of all, I didn't really reveal any personal details on what's going on. Maybe when I'm brave enough, I might be able to share the story so that people can understand that what my family is going through is something happens to certain people. It's not normal, but it does happen. And also, it really helps to let people know so that they won't ask me questions like, "How are your parents?". "Is your dad in Penang?" because I don't freaking know the answer. And the worst thing to say to my sister is, "Your parents must be so proud of you". That will send her straight back to Boogie Land.
And last of all, I think it's okay to tell people that I'm not perfect. That I go through bad times. That I'm only human.
Okie, that's all I wanna write about the boogie right now. There are a few more things which I have to face in the coming month, so if I suddenly disappear into Boogie Land again, please check whether I do make it back to planet Earth.
:)
