What would you do if you feel unappreciated? Would you continue to do the things you always do even though you feel unappreciated? Or you would you stop caring and stop whatever you do since it's not appreciated?
What would do you if you're not happy about something that a person does or doesn't do? Would you try to change him so that you'll be happy? Or do you accept him as who he is even though you know it won't make you happy?
What would you do if you know you know you have no interest in something? Would you continue doing something you do not like for stability? Or would you put everything to risk to do something you're passionate about?
What would you do?
Friday, May 1, 2009
What would you do?
Posted by Mindy at 12:55 AM
Labels: Thoughts and Comments
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12 comments:
Hi Mindy,
I think the answers depend on what relationship and what sort of thing you're doing... but if its really personal and close to heart, then I hope what I've observed over the years will help...
I'm responding as though we're talking about a couple relationship, but can also be adapted to other close relationships. Responses are numbered according to your paragraphs.
1. Happy relationships get murky and messed up when you start taking notice of what you feel you are entitled to and how much appreciation you get for what you do; ie. when you start to notice and "kira". Once you starting "kira-ing", then there will be no end to it and no happiness will come by. Ask yourself if you love the person and if you're doing things willingly? If yes, then you don't need outright appreciation. If no, then you should ask why not willingly and address that.
2. Don't try to change the person! Even if you talk to him and he tries to change and eventually does change because he loves you enough to do so... You have to ask yourself...
- if the "new" person is truly him;
- if this aspect of him that you don't like is somehow a side-effect of other aspects of him that you DO love?
- if by making him change, will he lose himself and simultaneously, because he is no longer the person you first fell in love with (ie. the package is different), will you have lost the "package" you loved?
I guess there needs to be a realisation that there is no such thing as a perfect person. If you realise that the things you dislike about a person is a side-effect of the things that you love about that person, then you realise that the package comes together so the question is whether you are happy with the package? If yes, look past the imperfections which are exactly the things that make him the one for you. If you can do that, you'll be happy. You're not accepting him, you love him.
3. Honesty is the best policy, and the only way to go. You must be honest with yourself and to him.
If you are not interested in something, then you must be honest about it. By making yourself do something you aren't interested in, even if you can lie to yourself and to him that you don't mind doing it, in the longrun this charade will take its toll on the relationship. You are better off being honest about it now and see if there is a compromise that all parties can be happy with, than to hide it now but face greater pain/sorrow later.
In a way, you are not risking everything by doing something you're passionate about. You are building the foundation (albeit painful/difficult) so that the future will be happy. It is not a risk, it is just the right path.
After this very very long reply, I must say that it is you yourself who must make the decision. Especially decisions relating to a couple, it is between the two parties and nothing anyone else says should carry much weight. Don't let what others say cloud your judgment.
I've crapped so much but really don't even know exactly what the questions are about!!! For all I know, I may be completely off topic!! :P
Good luck!
*hugs
Soo Huey
im not gonna type so long like shuey. hehe
If I feel unappreciated, I guess I will have no more motivation to continue to do what I am doing. If it concerns work, I guess I will quit sooner or later. If it concerns relationship, I guess I will continue as long as I still love him/her.
I do not deny that at times I am trying to change a person. However, I know that it is hard to change someone. Deep down, I already know that he/she can't be changed. And it is the question of whether or not can you accept him/her for what he/she is.
I try to live my life as happy as can be. I am trying my best not to bother about what ppl say about me. However, i sometimes still can't ignore rumours/gossips. But as long as ppl I love support me, I guess I am still strong enough to live on..:D
shit...did i type as long as shuey?
hie mindy,
i stumble upon your blog from shuyin and somehow, the questions from your recent post hit me hard -- from a relationship standpoint (except for the last question).
i think if i love him enough, even if i feel i am not appreciated, i will somehow still continue to do things for him. but everyone has a limit, don't you think? i'll leave when my limits are up. but i guess he doesn't know yet at this point.
i have got no plans on changing anyone, coz i think it's pointless. it all rolls down to if that person has the intention of wanting to change or not (if he's practicing some bad habits or something). i believe that loving someone means loving him for his good and bad. that's what i've been doing recently. it's interesting to know that when u truly open ur heart to love someone, u can love him this much -- even if it means there's a chance u can't have him. will i do it again? maybe not. but i'll live my life knowing that i've done it -- loving someone with all ur might and have no regrets of it whatsoever.
i suppose the last question sounded a little more work related. i think i would risk it all to do something im passionate about -- of coz, with a little discretion on what is realistic. =) i don't need fancy things to survive; as last as long i have a roof to cover my head, enough clothes to wear and food to eat, im all good. so if risking to do something i like means getting paid half in wage, i think im all out for it (that's coz i hate my job right now -- hate my job to the core!)
btw, u've got a really cool blog. =)
chiaoju: I agree that when people reach their limit, love just don't cut it anymore.
Work: There must always be a little bit of passion. We must remember that we spend most of our lives working. Work without a bit of passion = passionless life (for the most part). I find that a little sad.
This is my point of view anyway.
totally agree with you munyi. work without a bit of passion sure is sad. hence, should i find something that is risky, but knowing that's something i like -- im all up for it! =) now, the thing is to find that "thing" im passionate about.
I read somewhere that a person only truly understands what is love when she:
- loves someone with all that she has, but continues to be unreciprocated... ("no pain as great as unreciprocated love"... i know this to be true);
- has to hurt someone who loves her with all that he has... (to watch someone crushed by the greatest of all pains that is inflicted by none other than yourself is a pain in its own)
I believe most people, despite how much they profess their love, live their lives without true understanding of love. Everyone can say they love someone, but how many truly understand love?
Everyone's understanding of love is different. So Mindy, you've put this post up, but you must know that the answer can only come from yourself. (Do you really want this post to stay here?)
If this post is really about work, consider these:
"Most people are like thermometers that register the temperature of opinion or environment; Not thermostats that transform or regulate the temperature of society. Be a thermostat!" -adapted from Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Don't worry about what you want to work as; Worry about who you want to be." - I consider this advice that I got only few days ago, one of the wisest words I've ever heard. Think about it.
Soo Huey, I read your comments from the email notifications on my handphone and it was so long that it was split into 2 pages. :P
Chiaoju, I've been following your blog for the past couple of weeks as well... :)
Shu-Yin, my laziness is comparable to yours. hahahaha...
Mun Yi, always good to hear what you have to say. In fact is always good to hear what all of you have to say....
Thank you all for the words of wisdom. All are more or less the answers I expected but needed someone else to say them out. And all are easier said than done.
Oh, and in case you're thinking, "OMG what did Yin How do?", those 3 questions are all unrelated and are about different things. When he read my blog, he was worried that you all would look at him weirdly the next time you see him :P
pls tell yh I am still going to look at him weirdly the next time i see him....haha...juz for the fun of it!
ehhh...ur laziness comparable to mine? muahahhaha...TRUE also! :)
next i look at yin how, i'll think... thot his neck is longer than that!! so different from his cartoon wan!
btw, important questions should be given due reply k? thats y my responses so long! blek!
hahaha... yes Soo Huey, I expect nothing less and appreciate your replies too!~~~
1. At some point, I will stop doing thing if it is unappreciated. But deep in my heart, I always imagine myself doing it again. And gradually, without me realizing it, I actually showed my concern towards the same thing in another way. Sometimes, he buys it; Most of the time, not. But I always hope that one day, he will come to me and say, "I know, I see and I feel them. I am sorry." *still waiting*
2. Didn’t they say love is blind? I agree that totally, because I love a lamer and accept everything he does. Of course, I always asked him to get rid of those bad habits (Eg, spent $$$ for a freaking mouse pad), but I don't really think it will happen and I actually see them as criteria that make him cute. What a loser I am. But I was a happy loser.
3. Whoah… this is a tough one. If relationship, definitely a no. I don’t think we can spend our life with someone whom we have no interest in, right? But for work, hmm… though work is part of my life too, but if I need it to give me a good life after work, or help me to shape my future, I won’t mind sacrificing 30% of my life. Still, assuming I don’t like my work but I don’t despise it and still able to gain satisfaction from it. However, if I have million in bank, I will definitely GO FOR ANYTHING! But what? Hmm… *start dreaming*
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