Bored bored bored

Bored. Currently stuck in the AGM meeting at my condo. Hate attending meetings like these. It's like a chaotic fish market here with some really rude idiotic ppl who thinks just because he is from England he has the right to be so rude (I seriously believe some ppl are born to be assholes). Not use to it compared to the more organized and intelligent meetings at work. I rather much be at home watching TV but the hubby forced me here. And I'm pretty sure I'm the youngest unit holder here. I'm a very bored ikan billis here. Everybody here is so much older. @.@

Crap, they can't even get the mic to work.

Sigh, don't mind me. I'm actually just blogging cos I wanna use the hubby's new cool Blackberry. :)

Back from Boogie Land

I've been bloggy quiet recently. Because of all the drama happening recently, I was taken back to Boogie Land. Old memories which I tried to forget over the past few years were brought back again. And for a while, I actually dared to hope again, only for the hope to be crushed the following week.

Anyway, I'm back from the Boogie Land. One should only remain boogified for a certain amount time, else somebody please sound the alarm and shake me hard to bring me back to planet Earth. Also, I've taken up a new role at work making me so busy that I don't even have to time run to the toilet to make a dump in the morning. I welcomed the chaos at work because it kept the mind too busy to even think about boogie and by the time I go home I'm too mentally tired to get boogified. Thus, the bloggy has been neglected lately.

When I'm in Boogie Land, I try avoid my blog because I tend to write what's in my mind and being boogified would mean I end up writing about all the boogie which to other happy "normal" people, would seem like a post with a title of "Self-Pity".

If you are one of those normal people, then I suggest you stop reading here. Else, if you are as damaged as I am, read on and we can share stories of how screwed up we are. :)







For the past few weeks, the hubby received the privilege of the front row seat to watch all my real-life TVB drama, so much that it made him so grateful that his parents are such wonderful normal people and he made it a point to take his parents out to an expensive seafood restaurant for no occasion at all. Because if you have wonderful parents, why do you need to wait for an occasion to bring them out for a treat?

When the hubby manages to make my grandma laugh, the smile on her face can brighten the whole room. But when my grandma cries while telling family drama stories to the hubby, I carry the guilt of what the parents did. The guilt which gets heavier and heavier. And I suspect that my hubby feels the same way which is why he makes such an effort to treat my grandma well to replace what my parents failed to do.


The sister and I came up with the word Boogie. It's our code name to describe our family drama. And we came out with a lot of other comical names to describe the misery we were facing at home. The sister and I used to make jokes about the situation to give it a comical side. Because it was all we could do to survive a tough situation at home. If we could laugh about it, then maybe it's not as bad as it seems. We never cried in front of each other because we wanted to convince each other that we were tough enough to handle the situation. Because if one of us does cry in front of the other, the comical illusion and the tough act we try to create will give way to the horrible reality we were facing.

The thing I find most difficult about my situation is the inability to tell others or make others understand. When things like this happen, the daughter is usually blamed for not being good to the parents. Because the assumption is that the parents will always do the best for their children so how can parents ever be wrong? I'm especially tired when my father-in-law who tries to convince me now and then that I should treat my parents better. He doesn't understand the situation. Nobody does. Unless of course you get the front row seats to watch all the drama live which currently is only reserved for the hubby. :)

It's not like I haven't tried to tell people about what's going on. To some people, I did share with them the tip of the surface. The reaction I get is either a look of horror or the person reacts in a way as if s(he) didn't hear what I just said. It's just something that people here have never heard about and is not commonly accepted locally. I've only shared the full uncensored story to one close friend and for that, I thank you for your listening ear.

Everybody faces something difficult in life. Some people deal with more crap than others but the fact is we all at one point during life will find ourselves in the lowest point ever. And when we are in that low point, we feel alone and we feel that nobody else will ever understand. And we don't tell others because we are worried to be seen as being weak or we don't want to trouble others with all our sorrows.

But sometimes all it take is for somebody to drop a note and say, "Hey, how are you doing?" And sometimes it helps even further to know that a lot of people have been through a stretch of depression before. I've got really close friends and I never would have guessed they once were going through a bad patch. How could they when they always appear to be happy and bubbly on the surface? But the fact is they have, we all have, and knowing that other people face shit makes me feel that "Hey, I'm not alone".

Why do I blog about such personal stuff for the whole world to read? Well, first of all, I didn't really reveal any personal details on what's going on. Maybe when I'm brave enough, I might be able to share the story so that people can understand that what my family is going through is something happens to certain people. It's not normal, but it does happen. And also, it really helps to let people know so that they won't ask me questions like, "How are your parents?". "Is your dad in Penang?" because I don't freaking know the answer. And the worst thing to say to my sister is, "Your parents must be so proud of you". That will send her straight back to Boogie Land.

And last of all, I think it's okay to tell people that I'm not perfect. That I go through bad times. That I'm only human.

Okie, that's all I wanna write about the boogie right now. There are a few more things which I have to face in the coming month, so if I suddenly disappear into Boogie Land again, please check whether I do make it back to planet Earth.

:)

The Boogies

Because I've been visiting my grandpa at the hospital frequently these past few days, it meant I was bumping into a lot of other relatives there. And Mindy is no family person, no siree.

Because of such frequent encounters, my 3 favourite boogie monsters take this opportunity to come out and play. The boogie monsters have been following me around everyday. There's the Self Pity boogie monster that sits beside me at night. And there's the Angry boogie monsters that's still so pissed off until now. And there's Depressed boogie monster sitting at the corner of my cube quietly making me wanna crawl back into bed into the arms of Self Pity boogie.

It's been a tough week having to entertain all the boogie. And I'm tired. So today I decided to have a 1-1 with the 3 of them. I decided to face them as a rational adult. I decided to make a deal with them. Leave me alone for just one weekend.

And you know what? It actually turned out okay. And whatever happens, for this one weekend, I shall be boogie free and happy.

And seriously, I'm convinced that I write a script about my family story, it would be a very successful TVB drama. I can envision how the drama will start and how the drama will end followed by the closing credits. Surely very entertaining wan, I guarantee you. ;)






See you again one day. I shall always love you, boogie or not.

It's that time of the year when I need to rant

The long weekend is coming and usually by this time and I'll be too happy jumping up and down, constantly checking the time shown at the bottom right corner of my monitor, silently counting down to 5:15pm.

However, it's not happening for this long weekend. I honestly tried to avoid writing this post but today when everybody is extra cheerful about the holidays, I'm feeling more alien then usual.

I can't help it. I need to say it again.

I HATE Chinese New Year.

There, I said it.

Try to think about this, CNY is all about family reunions right? Happy happy family reunions. Now imagine if I take that away from you. Let's just say since you were young tender mentally developing child, you grew up celebrating CNY with a lot of crying and a lot of fighting and a lot of isolation among a crowd of people. Let's say that since you were little, if you said something wrong in front of your relatives, you can expect to be punished when you come home therefore you learn that it's best to keep quiet in front of relatives and keep a distance from them. Let's say during CNY, you have to put on a fake smile in front of everybody, then go home and listen to doors slamming and lots of spiteful arguing. Let's say that's how you known CNY all your life.

Would you still enjoy CNY?

Boohoo. So what? Quit whinning. Life goes on.

Still, each year during this time, as long as I remember, I had to go through a difficult time. Only recently I stopped having to deal with the crap. But still, it's the time when I turn into the boogie monster. It's the time when my suppressed Naruto nine tail fox demon comes roaring out.

I remember once after a particularly bad CNY, somebody at work asked me how my CNY went, and I burst into tears. The poor fellow was in shock and must have been thinking, "What the hell did I say wrong?". Next thought was probably, "Slowly step away from the emotionally unstable girl" :P

So, dearest hubby, I'm sorry that your wife has CNY phobia and permanent psychological CNY damage. If it were up to me, my ideal CNY would be flying off to a non-chinese country and coming back after Chap Goh Meh.

However, I understand CNY is an important time for the hubby. I will never ever like CNY, but I shall take a deep breath and try my best-est of my best-est to do whatever I have to do for CNY (minus the obsession to keep the place spotless in time for CNY when I'm already darn tired coming home from work, my psychologically damaged brain just cannot understand the logic of why the place has to be so damn clean for CNY, and left dirty for the next 364 days. No matter how much you clean, doggies will dirty it the next day. You can never ever win against the force of the dirty doggies.).

Sigh.

The hubby just called me at work to go home and help him clean the house again. Obsessed, I tell you, he's obsessed. But can't complain, since he's doing most of the work. ;)

Sigh.

Now I just need to control my boogie monster and my Naruto nine tail fox demon, which knowing that it's this time of the year, have dropped by to say Hi.

Sigh.

Think of happy thoughts, happy happy thoughts. Think of Bali... yes Bali. Bali Bali oh Bali...

To be continued

Tired
Overwhelmed
Depressed
Sleepless
Sad
Confused
Aimless

And suddenly everything seems weirdly funny. :)

Indifferent

Will be back when mental state has been restored.

Check out your facts before gossiping

Try to imagine that you are at work one day and your colleague suddenly asks you, "Eh, I heard your wife/girlfriend is pregnant. Is that true?" First of all, you'll probably be shocked where that person heard that news. Then you'll be annoyed why it's anybody's business to know. Then you'll probably be amazed how false rumours can spread like this.

Apparently somebody is telling people I look pregnant and the person he told happened to be my hubby's colleague who asked him whether it's true.

If you want to gossip about something that's a fact, then fine, go ahead if you want. But if you don't know whether it's true, please don't start rumours.

I'm damn annoyed that people expect a woman to get pregnant immediately after she marries. As if it's a woman's sole responsibility to get pregnant. I can understand why the older generation expect that. But coming from people from my generation is just sad.

It's almost like people have nothing better to do than to look for any indication that a newly married woman may be pregnant. And if it's a bit of weight gain, then she just has to pregnant and it's time to gossip. Why? Because she's just got married ma... so must be a baby la.

It's just plain annoying.

The Chinese who hates Chinese New Year

I have made it through the first two days of CNY. More "When are you going to have a baby?" questions and "You have put on weight" remarks. I hate CNY.

It's weird having to give out angpows instead of receiving them this year. A reminder that I'm getting older and turning into one of them "aunties".

I always thought that when I turned into an "auntie" I would automatically know how to act like one. I would know how tell children, "Say Gong Xi Fa Chai before I give you an angpow" or insist that they call me "Auntie Mindy". But I found myself quiet, clueless and out of place. I definitely do not feel like I'm one of the "aunties" yet.

It's not over yet. More CNY visiting and reunions this weekend, this time with my complicated side of the family. Time to start practicing the art of fake smiling and master the skill of avoiding awkward questions.

Why oh why must CNY be 15 days loooonnnnnggg? I wish I could dig a hole and hide in it until CNY is over.

Sigh... I hate CNY.

CNY? :(

Chinese New Year is not a good time for me. In fact it's the worst time of the year for me. Because of family problems, CNY for me involves having to put on a fake smile in front of everybody then having the day end with lots of fighting and crying at home.

Now as an adult, I no longer have to go through that anymore. But the childhood memories are still there.

My most ideal CNY would be taking a one week holiday far away where I don't have to do things I don't want to do. But being someones wife now, I cannot do that as I have an obligation to spend CNY with his family. Though I wish he could truly understand what CNY really means to me.

Yes, I am a Chinese who grew up without a Chinese identity. The Chinese who cannot relate to any Chinese traditions, the Chinese who doesn't speak Chinese... the "fake Chinese who doesn't celebrate CNY" as my friends like to say. I am a "banana", yellow outside white on the inside, so what?

And for the record, both of us are NOT NOT NOT planning to have a baby yet. Is it compulsory that once a couple is married, they must immediately jump into bed to work on making babies? People, we are still wearing protection, so I doubt anything is going to happen unless there's that o.o1% possibility.

I don't mind people asking me the baby question, but having it asked again and again in one day? Tiring!

"When are you planning to have one?"
"You have put on weight... is it because of any good news?"
"You should start trying this year so that you'll get one by next year"
"Everybody has kids now, when is it your turn?"

Okay, I'm done with my ranting. Tomorrow is CNY. Be brave and SMILE through more baby questions!~~

Oh, and CNY is not all bad. It's the only time in the year when Yin How is more obsessed than me in cleaning the house. I, of course, gleefully took this opportunity to get him to clean everything including the horribly messed up storeroom where you cannot enter but only throw things in. It's almost 10:30pm and he's busy mopping the floor... the 2nd time already. :)

Happy Chinese New Year everybody. May your CNY be less tiring than mine. :)

Last minute cancelation

Just 1 week before the trip, management decides to tell me that the trip has been canceled because of the current economic sitution. I'm not so pissed that the trip was canceled, but rather because they had to tell me 1 week before when everything has been arranged and confirmed.

It would have been really much nicer if they could have told me earlier instead of 1 week before the trip. Yesterday, the trip was still approved, today it has been canceled. Gee, did the economic situation change so dramatically from yesterday to today?

Yes, senior management has no control over the current economic situation, but they do have control over how they are going to manage it.

Mindy needs to...

Mindy needs to learn to be patient

Mindy needs to learn that some things are not personal

Mindy needs to learn how to disconnect

Mindy needs to learn not to care about some things

Mindy needs to hide in a cocoon until CC is over

Mindy needs to clean her cubicle

Mindy needs to breathe in and out

Mindy needs to take acting classes

Mindy needs to go home and sleep

Mindy needs a hug

Mindy needs to stop writing rubbish here.

2 days to go...

Frustation building up

Today I was so frustrated at work, I had to take a walk to cool down. Came back, squeezed my squeezable aeroplane but that didn't take my frustration away (the aeroplane wings are gonna come off soon).

Put on my headphones and tuned into the Christmas channel. Who can stay angry after listening to Frosty the Snowman, Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer, and little sweet Jesus laying in a manger. :)

4 more days to go.

I hate those sunglasses

I'm a huge CSI fan. I love CSI New York and CSI Las Vegas. But i absolutely hate CSI Miami because i can't stand Haratio and his tacky lines and his cheesy sunglasses scene. There must always be a Haratio sunglasses scence in every single episode and you'll know when it's coming. Haratio will solve the case, stand it his "I'm the man" postion, put on his sunglasses and walks off towards the setting sun. I hate it hate it hate it, but I still watch it. :P

I was so excited today when Haratio was shot in season six's finale, maybe they finally got rid of Haratio. And even with him dying on the floor after getting shot, the very last scence was still focused on his annoying sunglasses.

But then if Haratio dies, then i'd have nobody to hate anymore. There will no longer be anymore cheesy sunglasses scences to complain about. When I watch the show, I no longer will be able to say, "Oh... the sunglasses scene is coming, oh it's coming... and Haratio has put on his sunglasses.. Woohoo!".

Anyway, I googled it and Haratio doesn't die... sigh.. I still hate Haratio...

It's time to open up

I created this blog because sometimes I watch or hear something which I find very interesting. Or sometimes it’s about some random stuff I think of. Or it could be something I did or something that Yin How did which I just want to jot down. Today my sister emailed me about something which triggered some thoughts again. So I decided to write this post.

I have not told this to many people. Even close friends know very little about this because I don’t talk much about it. And this post is not to tell the whole story, just what it is about.

My mum has recently cut ties with me. And I have not really spoken to my dad for almost two years (my dad coming to my wedding was just an act, close friends were suspicious that something was wrong). My family problems are not the typical average family problems. There’s something wrong with someone in my family and I shall not say more. But I am very BITTER about everything that happened and I have become a very BITTER person who does not believe in depending on parents and for some time I became very withdrawn.

I have not told many people about this because I was trapped in some kind of emotional blackmail and also this is not something I enjoy talking about. When I first started working, while my friends were using their paychecks to enjoy life, I started saving furiously so that I could buy a place which I can call my home to escape from it all. After my sister entered university and I moved out, and after my mum recently cut me out of her life, I feel that I have been freed in some sense and I’m starting to open up a little. My sister and I always joke that we would write a book about what we went through and we even came out with the book title.

Reason why I’m writing about this is so that you will not ask me about my parents anymore. Usually when I meet up with friends, they will ask, “How is your dad? When is he coming back from Brunei?”, or “How is your mum doing?”. These are typical questions that old friends would ask each other to catch up with one another. But for me, these are the most dreaded questions ever. Usually I will muster up a fake smile and say, “Oh, they are doing fine” and quickly avoid any eye contact, when in reality, my parents have cut me out of their lives and everything is not fine.

I hate lying and I hate feeling so uncomfortable when I’m asked about my parents, so this is the real story. Why blog about it? Because when I tell friends about this face to face, they get shocked, which makes them uncomfortable, which makes me uncomfortable, which creates an awkward situation.

Maybe I will not be so bitter in the future. Maybe one day I’ll let go of everything. Maybe everything will be ok. But until then, the next time you meet up with me, let’s talk about anything from the sun, to the moon, to the pretty blue sky. :)

Anything except my parents.